Your joke of the day

Sent to me by my brother:

 

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.  He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident". "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"  His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.  Finally, the President looks up and asks...

(WAIT FOR IT....)

 

"How many is a Brazillion ??"

Mozart six

Before I answer this week's questions, I want to say thank you to Patrick for coming up with them every week.  It gives me ideas of what to write about, and Lord knows I always need those. 

1. How many AOL J-landers have you actually met in person?  None, though his eminence John Scalzi is currently at a book convention about a mile from my house.

2. How many photos that you have taken yourself are hanging on display in your home in a size of 8x10 or larger?  (The print, not the frame!) None.  I sense a pattern to this week's responses.

3. How far do you live from your job? What job?  I go to school instead.  I live about ten miles from campus What is your commute time like? I drive fifteen minutes to the train and then spend 30 minutes on said train. Has the distance prompted you to consider alternative transportation because of gas prices? Gas prices are only the thrid biggest reason I don't drive.  First is how much it would cost me to park downtown (truly obnoxious-probably $30 for two hours), and second is traffic.  I'd have to leave an hour earlier than I already do if I drove.

4. Take this quiz:   What decade does your personality live in?  1980's, which I suppose is not a surprise because I was 13-22 during that time, and that is when the base of my personality formed.  Just don't make me go back to my hair, please.  Or the first car I drove.

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #70 from Kris:  What is the funniest, most original Halloween costume you've ever seen?  One year afriend of mine dressed in gray sweat pants and shirt, put a big piece of cardboard shaped like a table on his head, and went as a piece of gum stuck under a table. 

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #71 from Courtenay: What is your favorite paragraph in a literary work?  This might be a thought, or a message, or a descriptive passage which has remained in your consciousness throughout the years.  Be sure to post the name of the book and author.  The last line of "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Hemingway.

"Yes, isn't it pretty to think so?"

Chicago-pen physics (and more)

I haven't done one of these in a long, long time, but I can't pass up a chance to revel in the spotlight, since I have spent my entire life in Chicago (well, except for four years of college).

This won't be a listing of where to go and what to see.  Mrs. L has taken care of that.  May I suggest she embarks on a career as a travel writer?  Very nice work.

I admit I am a suburbanite.  I've never lived in the city, but I worked in it for more than ten years, and I'm not just talking about downtown (though I did work there for a bit).  I've worked in a whole bunch of neighborhoods in the city, and I can't think of a better lesson in the way of learning how people are different, and how to get along with everyone.

I recently went back to school to get my Master's degree, and the campus is a building on Michigan Avenue.  Everyday I walk through the loop, and every class I look out the window and see Lake Michigan.  You won't find a better looking city, in my highly biased opinion.

But we are supposed to be talking about memories, here a few of mine:

1. Listening to my father's stories of growing up in an Irish household with five siblings and a police officer father in a neighborhood that doesn't exist anymore.

2. I'll always remember where I was when Al Gore finally conceded the 2000 election: stuck on an expressway, taking four hours to go what usually took half an hour, due to the breakdown of basic driving habits the population becomes afflicted with whenever it snows (the don't all have to be pleasant memories).  The only thing I can truly say I hate about this town is TRAFFIC.

3. Flying into O'Hare and trying to figure out from which direction we are approaching based on where you see the landmarks.

4. Elmhurst-a great place to grow up, though I didn't realized it as much until I left it, but then being able to buy my first home there (which I no longer live in).  There could be a lot worse places to spend the rest of my days in.

5. The two hundred or so times I have visited Wrigley Field.  Some good, some bad, all worth it.

Here's an obscure Wrigley memory for you: in 1977, when I was ten, my mother, brother, sister and I went to a game with my aunt and uncle.  We had seats in the first row of the upper deck, down the left field line.  It was a hot summer day, the Cubs were playing the Phillies, and they clobbered them.  I think the final score was 11-4.  I was into keeping score back then, so I asked my mother if I she would buy me a scorecard.  As we got to our seats, I realized that I forgot to get a pencil from the guy selling them.  I wanted to go back, but Mom told me not to worry.  She pulled out a silver cross pen from her purse and said I could use it.  She said that it was my father's and that I needed to be careful with it.  I didn't want to use it, but she insisted, saying that it was silly for me to go all the way back down just for a pencil.

So I kept score with the pen, and as I said, things were going well.  It was late in the game when something exciting happened, though I can't remember exactly what.  I do remember standing up to cheer, and watching the pen fall out of my hand.  We were sitting in the front row of the upper deck, so the pen had a long journey down to the seats below.  I can still recall how it seemed to descend in slow motion, laughing at me and my clumsiness all the way down.

Until it smacked a bald dude right on the top of his melon, dead center.  I remember him flinching, looking up and moving on.  I was amazed.  I thought it was going to puncture his skull.  I was pretty upset about losing the pen, especially since the game was almost over, but my mother told me not to worry about it.  We have laughed about the pen game many times since then.

But it had to have left a mark.

What a sad parade

I'm growing increasingly more confused by something.  For almost four years now, ever since the US military (rightly) went into Afghanistan, I've seen billboards, car ribbons, signs in front yards, etc. that say "Support Our Troops." 

People seem to have differing opinions on how one can go about supporting the troops:

1. Express strong, positive feelings for every single thing that the administration and Pentagon have done since the war on terror began, and attack anyone who does not support the war as someone who does not "support the troops."   

2. Assume that anyone who has been/currently is/will be deployed in the Middle East did so voluntarily, and supports their right to do so.

3. Doesn't agree with the idea to invade Iraq, feels disgusted about the way events there are proceeding, is saddened by the over 2000 American soldier deaths there, and wants the troops currently there to return safely.

4. Hates everything to do with the war, doesn't really believe there is a war, and doesn't appreciate or understand the risks soldiers face in this arena.

My personal beliefs fall under #3, and I really have no patience for #1 and #4 either.

Yet because I disagree with the way the situation in Iraq has been handled, I am labeled as a non-supporter of American troops frequently.  If I don't think they should be over there, I am giving "comfort" to our enemies, who will take the words of my dissent, get all hyped up on it like it was speed, and go out and kill more American soldiers, so I am told.

Heh.

I don't want anymore Americans to die for a cause that is unattainable (and here I would add the three most important words when it comes to keep perspective: IN MY OPINION).  I want the troops to live, not die. 

How much more supportive can one be?

Perhaps I don't get it.  Again, I have been told that many times.

Here's something I definitely don't get.  When a woman who has seen one of her children die decides to speak up and ask the man who ultimately made the decision that sent her son off to die, she is crucified by some, fondly embraced by others.  Those that disagree with her anti-war cause say that she is (say it with me) "not supporting the troops."

We are told that the media in the war arena feeds off of the negativity that Mrs. Sheehan supposedly feeds.  Again, we will seejihadists go ballistic in their attempts to kill US service people because of this.

Meanwhile, it is revealed that some (which by definition means not all, not even close) of the American service people currently in Iraq are trading gruesome photos of killed insurgents for free access to pornographic web sites.

I'm not making this up.  All the details are here, along with the explanation from the Pentagon on how this is all being swept under the rug.

It would seem to me that it would place a lot more of our troops in a situation of "non-support" by making sure that pictures of dead enemies are floating around the Internet, especially when it is affiliated with pornography, than any group of people who do not agree with war in the first place.

And yet, it's so very quiet out there.  The outrage over the anti-war protests that went on in Washington this past weekend created quite a fuss for the first part of this week.  But those screamers are silent now.

Why?

If I can quote Bob Dole from his 1996 campaign "Where is the outrage?"  How come people on both sides of the support fence are not up in arms about this?  Tell me, which actions make the people of this country less safe-Cindy Sheehan and her traveling minstrels of end-the-war protest, or soldiers who take pictures of mutilated terrorists so that they can get a free look at a vixen or twenty?

Which do you think motivates someone to become a suicide bomber?

Of course, there are those that think this is another example of things that don't need to become public, because the world is different now, and the rules have changed.

People like the President that we somehow re-elected last fall, and the Secretary of Defense that was carried over, and the newly appointed Attorney General.

This is an issue where it should not matter whether you vote red or blue.  It makes every one of us a target, or more of one.  And it repulses me to no end that there aren't marches in the street all over the nation, demanding accountability from the top.

What about the folks who hate the way this country has declined recently, to an "anything goes" society?

When do we get out support?

The one where I confess my Wal-Mart jihad

1. Of the following, which one best describes you at your worst?  (You can't select "None of the above!")
    a. One who doesn't finish what he/she starts I don't think that's really me becau
    b. One who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk And yet I both drool and stumble...
    c. One who always finds the worst in a situation That'd be me.  I may not let everyone know, but deep in the bunks of my mind, I expect the worst from everything, everyone, everywhere.  It makes for some pleasant surprises when things do not turn out that way, and I am never disappointed when they do.
    d. One who generally knows what's right but does what's wrong Unless we're talking spelling or math, I don't get this.

2. Not counting shows like Saturday morning cartoons designed specifically for kids, what single show that you grew up watching religiously is now the one you most hate to sit through? I don't watch anything from back then now.  If I had to pick, I'd say "The Brady Bunch."  I watched it every Friday night when it was on, and then years and years of re-runs.  The thought of having to watch it now makes me cringe.  I am one of those people who HATES watching anyone make a fool of themselves (fictionally, not politically) and that's all the BB was-a ship of fools.

3. Have you ever been so angry with a company that you swore you'd never do business with them again?  If so, did you keep that promise? Yep.  I haven't been to a Wal-Mart in a long time (trips involving the tackling of Inflatable Santas DO NOT COUNT) and never will again.  If Heaven is nothing but Wal-Mart, I'll request a one-way ticket to hell.

4. Take this quiz:  Are you psychic? I knew you were going to ask me that!

WHAT??? YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING???

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #68 from Lily: What's the longest you've talked on the phone in a single phone call, and who were you talking to?  A long time ago, a good friend was going through a horrific point in his life.  One night the phone rang at 11.  I had to go to work at 7 the next morning.  When I got off the phone, I had just enough time to get to work on time.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #69 from Betty:   (She recently returned from a trip to Las Vegas!)  How do you feel about gambling? It's silly.  It shouldn't be called gambling.  It should be called something like "give me all your money, have a drink on me, and get going.  If you do win money this time, we'll get you next time.  And the next forty times after that."  That being said, I enjoy a trip to Vegas as much as the next person.  The secret to gambling is like the secret to life: you might do very well, but eventually you are going to lose.  Casinos are to gambling what cemeteries are to life.  When I go to Vegas, I take enough money that I won't be depressed about not coming home with, and when it's gone, I'm done gambling.  Now give me five bucks on red #29.

Just peachy, thanks

I'm in a bit of a funk.

Why?  Why not?  So many good reasons.  And yes, I am well aware of the fact that thousands upon thousands of people have lost all their worldly possessions to hurricanes recently and it may seem ridiculous for me to complain about anything. 

Humor me.  I need a reason to write.

I was sleeping peacefully this morning when our two cats decided to jump on the table next to me and rearrange things.  This bothers me for so many reasons.  One, I haven't slept "peacefully" much lately, so when I do, I like it to last as long as possible.  Second, I'm a bit of a freak about what is one the table next to my bed.  You'd look at it and think it was just a pile of junk, but there is a method to it.  It's definitely set up to be a cat-free zone.  Third, I was unable to get back to sleep.  Waking up before eight on a free Saturday morning is just wrong.

A few weeks ago, in the middle of the night, I was having a dream.  I was at my wedding reception, and all of my relatives who are no longer with us were there, sitting together at a back table.  I noticed them and started to walk over there, thinking that it was going to be so wonderful to get caught up with them.

Then a cat jumped on me, and I woke up.  Dreamus interruptus.  I would have loved about two more minutes of that dream.

Needless to say, the cats are now officially on double secret probation.

So I spent some time watching the news.  I am sympathetic as anyone to the awesome power and potential for tragedy that a hurricane brings, but can someone please explain to me why it is necessary to have reporters standing out in the middle of the storm?  What insight could they possibly give me?  There was a guy on CNN last night strapped into a wind tunnel at Virginia Tech so that he could show us what it's like to be standing in the direction of 100 mile an hour winds.  He looked ridiculous.  Do you think there are scores of people who had planned to go down to the coast to experience a hurricane first hand but stopped when they saw this?

New rule (as Bill Maher would say): reporters are only allowed to report during hurricane conditions if they are strapped to a kite.  Whatever happens, happens.  If Anderson Cooper wants me to watch him gambol outside during Hurricane McSassy, there has to be risk involved.  And potential priceless comedic moments.

Allow me to pause here for a big shout out to my alma mater, the University of Iowa, for their stellar performance so far this year on the football field.  I have managed to watch the beginnings of two of their games this year, and have turned both off in disgust because after only two minutes, I knew they were not going to win.  I don't get the chance to see the Hawkeyes much anymore.  I'd like to see them at least be competitive, for, say, a quarter.

23-3 + 31-6 = 54-9  keep up the great work, lads.

Ah well, tomorrow is another day.  Did I mention that on September 24 in Chicago that the relative humidity is about 6000%?  We've got kudzu growing in the kitchen now.

I hope it doesn't get the cats.

I'm going straight to hell

I know there are things that I should not laugh at.

But sometimes, I just can't help it.

How does Maury Povich sleep at night?