Today's lesson

I can't resist posting this.  It's just too funny.  Plus, the tune is catchy.  It'll stay with you for at least the next few hours.

How to become a Republican.

What it feels like to be a Cubs fan tonight

Because, you know, it's all about me...

I'm actually happy that this is over.  What can I do besides look to the south and tip my cap?  The White Sox had an incredible season, and were absolutely dominant during the post-season.  They will be talking about this team's performance for a long time, as well they should.  Going back to the last five games of the regular season, the Sox were 16-1 in their last seventeen games.

Unbelievable.  They deserved to win.  Their fans never even had time to get nervous about them not winning.  They were never in danger of being eliminated.  Only one word describes it: dominant.

And I'm happy for people I know that are as passionate about the Sox as I am about the Cubs.  I am thinking about a few people who I worked with at one time or another who were die hard Sox fans, that I have lost touch with through the years.  I'm thinking about my cousin, another big fan, who's wife gave birth to their first child, a son, just after this season started.  I hope that he was watching the end of the game tonight with his baby boy sitting on his lap.  I am thinking of everyone who waited years and years to see this day come, but didn't live to see it, and the folks they left behind, who have reason to be just a little more happy now than the rest of the fans do.

OK, so the sappy stuff (which was sincere) is out of the way.  I'm glad that it's over.  I've eaten my heart out so many times in the last two weeks-just ripped open my chest, snatched it out, and snarfed it down.  Then wait an hour or so for it to regenerate, and do it all over again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  It was not supposed to be like this.

Quick history lesson: since I have been alive, the Cubs and the Sox have been in the playoffs an equal amount of times (four).  The results for each, before this year, have been eerily similar, sort of a "can you top this."  To wit:

Example #1
1983: Sox win the AL West, win the first game of the American League Championship Series against Baltimore, then lose three straight.  Can you top this?

1984: Cubs win the NL East, win the first two games of the NLCS, then lose three straight to San Diego.  

Verdict: Cubs top Sox, by one game.

Example #2
1989: Cubs win NL East, first trip to the playoffs since the league championship series expands to seven games.  Lose NLCS to San Francisco, 4-1.  Can you top this?

1993: Sox win AL West, first trip to playoffs since league series expands to seven games.  Lose ALCS to Toronto, 4-2.

Verdict: Sox top Cubs, by one game.

Example #3
1998: Cubs win NL Wild Card, first playoff appearance since playoffs expanded to four teams per league.  Lose first round series to Atlanta, 3-0.  Top this?

2000: Sox win AL Central, first playoff appearance since expanded playoffs.  Lose first round series to Seattle, 3-0.

Verdict: A wash, both teams swept, though Sox did win division while Cubs got in as Wild Card.

Example #4
2003: Cubs win NL Central.  Win first playoff series in my lifetime over Atlanta, 3-2.  Take 3-1 lead over Florida before losing last three games, and series, 4-3.  Team five outs away from going to World Series before it all goes horribly wrong.  Can the Sox top this?

2005: Well, we all know what happened here.

I expected to write "Sox win division, win first playoff series in my lifetime, win ALCS to become first Chicago team to make WS in my lifetime, lose WS.  Making the WS topped the Cubs playoff experience of 2003."

But the Sox had to go and win it.  The unspoken Holy Grail in Chicago baseball was this question: which team would win a World Series first?  Coming into this season, the teams had combined to go championship-less for 185 years.

185 years.  That's why it was unspoken.

I heard a Sox fan on the radio say this today: "I don't know what will be sweeter-seeing the Sox win the World Series, or knowing that they did it before the Cubs."

He's right, as much as I hate to admit it.  Prior to this season, every time the Sox were eliminated, their fans breathed a little sigh of relief when the Cubs were eliminated as well.  And every time the Cubs fell short, their fans rested a little easier knowing that the Sox came up short as well.

And now that is over.  The Sox made it there first.  It's like landing on the moon, getting out of the capsule, and seeing Neil Armstrong there with a "Welcome to the Neighborhood" cake.

The sun will come up tomorrow.  I was not hoping that the Sox were going to lose the World Series, nor was I hoping they would win.  I was just trying to ignore it.  When I was downtown today on my way to school, I just kept telling myself the same thing: I just want it to be over.  Let 'em win, and let's get on with our lives.  When the Cubs finally do win a World Series, I can promise you that the last thing on my mind will be the White Sox.

I need to deal with my envy.  It's going to take a long time.  I can't believe that a Chicago baseball team has won a World Series.  And I REALLY can't believe that the team that finally won a World Series was not the Cubs.  I want what every Sox fan has tonight, the right to say "At least I was alive to see it."  Man, do I want it.  I can't believe I have to wait God knows how long to get it.  I was on the train home tonight, when the game was about ninety minutes old, thinking how different I would be acting if it were the Cubs one game away from winning it all.

I have already determined what is going on here, why this happened.  Baseball, in it's infinite wisdom, is taking care of its longest-suffering fans.  But in a cruel twist of irony, they have decided to do it in reverse order.  Again, to wit:

2004: Boston Red Sox end 86 year championship drought, win first title since 1918

2005: Chicago White Sox end 88 year drought, win first title since 1917

Those are (um, well, WERE) the third and second longest winless streaks in the game.

(YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING)

2006: Chicago Cubs end longest championship drought in history, 98 years, win first World Series since 1908.

How else am I supposed to get to sleep tonight?

By the way, even though the Sox were first to win a World Series, I don't think the "can you top this" game is over yet.  There's one last scenario where I think the Cubs can top the White Sox.  I won't say what it is, because it's out there.  Way out there.  But it could happen.  I'll leave you with one hint:

2000

Monday, Monday

Tonight was when I realized that I may have my priorities on backwards.

I've been a grad student now for a little less than two months.  I am taking three classes, nine total credit hours.  If I did that as an undergrad, it would have been a cakewalk.  When I was talking to my advisor before registering for this semester, I mentioned that I thought I could handle twelve hours.

She begged me not to.  When I asked why, she just said that I should take three classes to begin with, and if I felt I should have gone with four, to do so in the spring.

Verdict?  I'm taking three classes next semester.  If I had registered for four classes this term, I'd be taking three right now.  I under estimated the amount of work each class would require.  I am not complaining.

Monday night I have a fiction workshop.  I have to read stories by the other people in my class and prepare comments on them, and work on my own submissions.  By the time the semester is done, I will have submitted about 75 pages to the class.  Given the process of writing and revising, 75 final pages is really more like 200, because things wind up being redone over and over.  Wednesday night I have a production class for the university's literary journal, which, while extremely interesting, has been a time killer too.  First, we had to handle the reams of submissions that we received during the three month window we were calling for entries.  It's a small journal.  However, the number of submissions were huge.  The ten of us working in this were happy and relieved when we finished reading everything and made our selections.

And then the actual production began.  And continues.  It's a ton of work.  Again, no complaints.

My degree requires that I take at least three literary classes, and this is where the joy of being a graduate student comes in.  The pickings in the schedule of courses for fall were slim, and I wound up enrolling in a course on Irish Women's literature, emphasizing "the politics of gender."  I love Ireland.  I've been there many times, and I have read many works from authors there.  I thought I caught a break here, and that I would have some type of advantage in taking this class.

Um, no.

Write, write, and write some more.  Then write more.  Uh huh, now write more.  Every Monday night I am up late, trying to find the right choice of words that will accurately portray my understanding of what we will be discussing in class Tuesday afternoon.  I just finished tomorrow's assignment, and this is easily the earliest I have finished since the semester began.  It is not for lack of effort that I am usually toiling late into the dark.  I've been ahead of myself in terms of reading, which has not been that much of a challenge, to be honest.

But the writing?  Yeah, I think I have to write some more.

This class requires a research essay as its final project.  The essay has to be 25-35 pages.  I should have started it in 1975, because I see the December 13 deadline and wonder how exactly I am going to complete this properly.

Anyway, as I was writing tonight about how women in Northern Ireland have a history of being defined by men (please, it's not my opinion, it's what is in the writing), I found myself unable to concentrate at times, because I was letting my creative part of my mind wander over here and think about what I should be including in this blog.  This happens more and more, especially at times when it would be best if my mind just shut down and stayed on course, or when I am trying to fall asleep.

This blog has no deadlines.  But without this blog, I wouldn't be in the place that I am now, setting a course for making a career out of my writing.  This blog gave me the confidence to realize that what has always been my hobby should instead become my livelihood.

So I worry about it from time to time, that I am not paying enough attention to it.  It's what I would think a parent would feel towards their oldest child when other ones come along. 

At some point, I have to write a book length thesis if I wish to complete my MFA.  That no longer seems like such a huge challenge anymore.  I am sure that once I set my mind to it, I will do it, and do it well.  And when I do, this little part of my world will deserve as much credit for it as any level of instruction I could ever receive.

This blog will always be my first born.

The one where I ignore the baseball result from tonight

Yes, I survived the dentist, but I will be very, very friendly with them by the time next summer rolls around.  Being Irish sucks sometimes!

1. How many products throughout your home are labelled "antibacterial." Just the handsoaps at the sink, and a bottle of purell that we have in the kitchen.  Can you even buy liquid soap anymore that is not antibacterial?  The whole thing is probably a rip-of anyway, and it's not going to save us in a decade or so, when bacteria will just ring your doorball, then engulf you like an amoeba does when you open the door.  Good luck with that.

2. As a general rule, and assuming any required knocking on wood, how often do you get anything more serious than a sniffle or mild cold? I get a knock-down-please-kill-me-now case of the flu about every five years.  I can tell you exactly when the last encounter was: February 2002, the second week of the Salt Lake City Olympics.  You know how NBC likes to brag that they show 3000 hours of Olympic coverage per week?  I can verify that they did so then.  I saw sports that I didn't even know existed, though I was sufferng from a 104 degree fever for a few days.  I was so miserable that I even watched all the ice skating, and if you say that I got chills when Sarah Hughes won the gold, I will remind you that I had a fever of 206 that night.  Thank God for those Olympics though.  I would have gone insane without them.

3. John Scalzi ran this story about research that suggests the increased use of "antibacterial" products aren't necessary for people who are generally healthy, and might be causing the creation of "superbugs" that are resistant to antibiotics.  Are you more likely to avoid these products after reading about studies like this? Is this before or after we all die of bird flu?  I see a day when the most dangerous place to be is in a hospital.  Who knows what type of paramecium will be lurking in the ER soon.  I do't really worry about the antibacterial stuff.  I do my best to avoid situations where I can get sick.  The most important thing is to not touch anything on your face until you wash your hands.  Now that I am on public transportation three days a week, I have to keep reminding myself that.

Man, what a boring answer.

4. Take this quiz:  Will you pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? I got 10 of 10.  I think I could have passed this test in kindergarten.  I've always been a little odd.

5. Now that the gas prices have dropped just a little (but nowhere near enough), what's the most you've paid for a gallon of gas so far? I think 3.50 right after Katrina.  Pump up those gas prices, baby.  America needs to get used to the idea of making choices.  I have sympathies for people who have to drive great distances for their job, but I still see a ton of cars on the road that aren't very practical for the times we live in.  Ah, now I'm preaching...

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #76 from Psychfun:   What was your favorite cereal as a kid?  When was the last time you had a bowl of it? I had two favorites; one was called "Kaboom!" and was some type of cereal with marshmallows in it.  I remember a clown on the cover.  I haven't seen it since I was 8.  The other was "Boo Berry", which I loved because I love blueberries.  It was one of the trio of monster cereals (Count Chocula and Frankenberry were the others).  While I have seen the other two at times, I haven't seen Boo Berry in about 20 years.  I'd kill for a bowl of it right now.

Yes, I swear I floss

Disclaimer: I have a dentist appointment in about ten hours.  I hate going to the dentist.  I'd rather be forced to sit through the Republican National Convention gavel-to-gavel.  Yes, my fear of modern dentistry is that extreme.  Apologies in advance if I seem a bit all over the place...

1. The nominations are out...and this journal got one, for "best kept secret."  I've been doing this since January 2004, and I am happy to remove the stealth from it.  And a big thanks to Jennifer (she of multiple deserved nominations, by the way), who threw my name out there first.  I appreciate it!

2. An open letter to my nephew: OK, so the Cardinals didn't make the World Series.  I think the sun still came up today.  You're 19, and I love you as much as I will love my own children, but you have no idea what true baseball suffering is.  I've got twice the baggage you have, pal, and until you've lived at least half of your life in desperation thinking that there is NO WAY that your team is going to go a FULL CENTURY without winning the World Series, I ain't got much sympathy.  Ironic, isn't it, that if you hadn't switched allegiances seven years ago you'd be basking in the glow of the White Sox, and driving me even more insane in the process.  The Cardinals haven't won the World Series since 1982?  In the words of the immortal Sam Kinnison, "You've got off light!!!"

3. I've been having a discussion with a few fellow grad students about the misinterpretation of the lyrics to an old song that make it seem like someone is taking indecent liberties with a farm animal.  It's gone on way too long, but one thing I have discovered is that if a state doesn't have a law on its books outlawing this type of thing (and I guess only 30 or so do), it's all the Democrats fault.  I wish this was part of the gag, but sadly, it's a serious "opinion".  Liberals-we stand for inconceivably high taxes, therapy for terrorists, and the right to get it on with Mr. Ed.

4. I was eating lunch at a restaurant yesterday when I had to use the men's room, and well, who was it and how did he/she decided that urinals should be filled with ice?  I hadn't seen this for a while but I have to say I find it fascinating.  Did I miss a report somewhere about the tendency of porcelain affixed to a wall to spontaneously combust?  How would you like to be one of these ice cubes?  You get poured into a machine, freeze your butt off, but once you realize that you're being made into ice, there has to be a little anticipatory excitement.  Will I be part of a cocktail?  Maybe a superstar athlete will toss me into a Ziploc bag and use me to help them recover from an injury!  So may possibilities...wait!  I think this is it, I'm being scooped out of the machine into a bucket...Yes!  Now we're in some room, and I'm being poured into a container.  What's this pink disc in here with us that smells like detergent?  What's this guy doing moving closer to us, I don't see a glass in his hand.  Hey, he's unzipping...what the?  Oh God!  It's all over me!  I'm melting...

What a way to go.  But at least it had nothing to do with a horse...

This is the way the world ends

It's killing me.  I shouldn't have to see this.  There is only so much that I can take.

(Sigh)  (And that's 2 out of the last 3 entries that I have used the parenthetical sigh-time to shelve it for another year or two)

The White Sox (White Sox!) are in the World Series.

I have to read that line again...

MY EYES!!!  MY EYES!!!

God, this is just not right.

The way I see it, I have two choices here.  I can stab my eyeballs with a fork for the rest of the night, or I can accept it, which is the only way of realistically move on.

Which is worse-envy or jealousy?  Time for a side trip to Dictionary.com

envy:

"1. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
2. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors."

jealous:

1: showing extreme cupidity; painfully desirous of another's advantages; "he was never covetous before he met her"; "jealous of his success and covetous of his possessions"; "envious of their art collection" [syn: covetous, envious] 2: suspicious or unduly suspicious or fearful of being displaced by a rival; "a jealous lover" [syn: green-eyed, overjealous]

I have always thought the difference between the two is substantial.  To envy someone is to want what they have, but to be jealous of someone takes it a step further; not only do you want what they have, but you will go to great lengths to take it from them.

So which am I tonight?

If you are not a devoted fan of a particular sports team, you probably think I am nuts.  But for those of you who do understand what it is like to develop a passion for a certain organization and to have it thrive inside of you even as you age into adulthood, where the cynicism of sports as a business eats away at you, you know how it is.  It becomes a part of you.

I have said it many times in the pages of this journal-the only other constant in my 38 years of life besides my family is the Chicago Cubs.  I have been a baseball fan since I was four.  I can't possibly tell you how much of my life I have devoted to watching, reading and discussing the Cubs.  It's an obscene amount of time. No doubt, there are tons of other things I could have done with that time, which is now gone forever.

I live for Cubs baseball.  I may not be the biggest fan, but I am in the top ten.  Rip me all you want about losing, curses, going to Wrigley Field to be seen instead of watching a game, blah, blah, blah.  It doesn't apply to me.  I am above all that.  I know the game, and I want to see it played well.

Which is pretty much what has been going on all year on the south side of Chicago.  And I can't get into it.  I just can't.  For so many reasons.  I can't watch the Sox on TV because they have the worst announcer in the history of media.  I could stand listening to a screeching donkey do play by play over this guy.  I prefer National League baseball.  I can't stand the man who owns the White Sox, the man who conspired to shut the game down in 1994, when his team had its greatest chance of ending the season as World Series champions.  Think about that: the team you live and die for gets robbed of the one time you can see it win it all, because the owner is part of a group of obscenely rich old man who don't like the economics of the game.  The canceled the World Series that year.  If I were a Sox fan, I would not have been after 1994.

I want what every passionate, knowledgeable White Sox fan has tonight, the feeling of putting their head on their pillow knowing that their team is finally going to the World Series. I want it so bad that my head hurts.  The worst thing about being a Cubs fan is that point in the season where you realize that this will not be the year, that the wait for a World Series will continue.  More times than often in my life, the moment comes rather early in the season.  This year, it came around the end of July.  When it comes late, or very late, as it did in 2003, well, nothing is more cruel.

It sucks, if I may be frank.  It sucked on July 31 of this year to have to say "Man, I have to wait until October 2006 at the earliest to see the Cubs in the World Series."  Do you know how long that is?  There are times that I think that I can't take it anymore.

Do you know anyone who is 97 years old?  Personally, I don't.  I think the oldest people I know are in their mid 80's.  If you know someone who is 97, that person was born in 1908, which just happens to be last year that the Cubs won a World Series.  97 freakin' years. 

The day is approaching where there will not be a single person alive anymore who was the last time the Cubs won it all.

OK, how about 60?  That's 1945.  I know plenty of people who were alive then.  That's actually the last time the Cubs made it as far as the World Series.  I'm 38.  There's 22 years in between.

Back to my envy: when is it going to be my turn, dammit?  Last year Boston (86 years between championships), this year (perhaps) the White Sox (last championship in 1917); when does the largest of them all finally get snapped?

Is it going in reverse?  86 years last year, 88 this year, 98 next?

I'm not jealous, because that would imply that I want the Sox to lose.  I couldn't care less.  I should be happy.  There's going to be World Series baseball in Chicago for the first time in my life. 

But they are going to play it on the wrong side of town.

My shortcomings are my own problem.  Let the White Sox win.  I will put my fingers in my ears and ignore the selected followers of that team that are on cloud nine tonight more so because the White Sox made it to a World Series before the Cubs did.  I know that there are a ton of legitimate White Sox fans in the city.  I also know that there are a lot of Sox fans praying that they win the title solely so they can rub it into the faces of people like me.

I know tons of Cubs fans.  I haven't heard from one about how much they want the Sox to lose.  Most of them don't really care.  Once the Cubs are done, there isn't much reason to be concerned.

And let's not even talk about the possibility that the Sox opponent in the World Series will be St. Louis.

OK, I'm done.  It is so.  The White Sox are in theWorld Series, they have an excellent shot at winning it, and there is nothing to do except accept it.  I wish I could put my allegiances aside and head out to a bar somewhere and woop it up once the World Series begins.  But I can't.  I have my loyalties.  I will eat my heart out this week and next.  And I can't wait until it is over.

The worst part of all this?  Easy, thinking about how close the Cubs came two years ago.  How messed up it was that they were that close, and how quickly it all went away.  There's been far too much blame placed upon someone who was not even wearing a uniform for their demise, which has always been ridiculous.  The team blew it.  That was the hardest acceptance of the "Oh God, I have to wait until at least next October?" ever.  I'm getting physically ill just thinking about it.  And I will again in the future, until it finally happens, until I see the Cubs in the World Series.

Or until I die.

The one where I ask more questions than I answer

1. Who was the last person you sent flowers to?  Who was the last person to send you flowers? I can't remember.  I think I have only sent flowers to someone maybe five times ever.  The last time has got to be at least five years ago.  No one has ever sent me flowers.  I've been sent flour, but that was a disaster that I would rather not discuss.

2. What is your favorite single piece of furniture in your home and why? We have a king size bed.  Might as well be a cloud.  You ever see the cartoon with the dog that floats in the air every time someone gives him a dog biscuit?  That's me when I go to bed.  Every night.

3. You are given the chance to model clothing in a catalog.  What type of clothing would you most want to model and why? I cannot think of any circumstance where I would want to model for a catalog.  I can't even think of a good smart ass response for this.  I am truly stumped.  Wait, of course, what am I thinking?  The answer is so obvious: Victoria's Secret.  Yeah, I've got a secret, and it's name is NOT Victoria!

4. Take this quiz:  What is your "power color?" Lime green.  I think I mistakenly took the "what type of sherbert are you" quiz instead.  How is lime green a "power color"?  Are there other shades of green that are also considered powerful?  Why can't I be hunter green, dark and mysterious?  Or kelly green, drunk and Irish?  Are there 64 types of power colors?  Can I buy them all together in a box that has its own sharpener somewhere? 

5. What product are you mostly likely to buy in bulk?  Have you figured out whether you actually are saving money by doing so? I don't buy things in bulk, but my wife does sometimes.  The last thing she bought in bulk that I use is a bottle of vitamins.  They came in a bottle of 500, and they are the size of walnuts, so it's a large bottle.  But back to the end of my last response: I think the sharpener on the back of the 64 count crayola crayon is the single most UNDER RATED technological advancement in the history of mankind.  Who didn't get a kick out of sharpening crayons?  And what happened to the shavings?  It's like they got sucked into some black hole.  All matter that has formed in the universe since 1970 has been composed entirely of crayon shavings.  Cosmologists across the land, rejoice!  The secret to the universe is...colored wax.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #75 from Mortimer:  Now that winter is approaching, what is your ultimate comfort food? What guilty pleasure do you eat that is sinfully not good for you but, you can't get enough? Geez, after reading this question, I don't think I enjoy food enough.  I get the feeling that I should be filling up a giant vat with some type of food, then leaping in and spending the winter eating my way out of it.  Hmm, winter approaching, and I still haven't filled up any tree stumps with walnuts yet.  I don't think I have any comfort foods, certainly none that I feel guilty about eating, though wouldn't it be amusing if eating too much of a food made you drunk like liquor does?  Can you imagine the hangover you'd get from two pints of Cherry Garcia?  And I feel that before I end this I should explain that I would want to model for a "Victoria's Secret" catalog not because I look good in lingerie, but because we should all simply AIM HIGH.