This is the way the world ends

It's killing me.  I shouldn't have to see this.  There is only so much that I can take.

(Sigh)  (And that's 2 out of the last 3 entries that I have used the parenthetical sigh-time to shelve it for another year or two)

The White Sox (White Sox!) are in the World Series.

I have to read that line again...

MY EYES!!!  MY EYES!!!

God, this is just not right.

The way I see it, I have two choices here.  I can stab my eyeballs with a fork for the rest of the night, or I can accept it, which is the only way of realistically move on.

Which is worse-envy or jealousy?  Time for a side trip to Dictionary.com

envy:

"1. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
2. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors."

jealous:

1: showing extreme cupidity; painfully desirous of another's advantages; "he was never covetous before he met her"; "jealous of his success and covetous of his possessions"; "envious of their art collection" [syn: covetous, envious] 2: suspicious or unduly suspicious or fearful of being displaced by a rival; "a jealous lover" [syn: green-eyed, overjealous]

I have always thought the difference between the two is substantial.  To envy someone is to want what they have, but to be jealous of someone takes it a step further; not only do you want what they have, but you will go to great lengths to take it from them.

So which am I tonight?

If you are not a devoted fan of a particular sports team, you probably think I am nuts.  But for those of you who do understand what it is like to develop a passion for a certain organization and to have it thrive inside of you even as you age into adulthood, where the cynicism of sports as a business eats away at you, you know how it is.  It becomes a part of you.

I have said it many times in the pages of this journal-the only other constant in my 38 years of life besides my family is the Chicago Cubs.  I have been a baseball fan since I was four.  I can't possibly tell you how much of my life I have devoted to watching, reading and discussing the Cubs.  It's an obscene amount of time. No doubt, there are tons of other things I could have done with that time, which is now gone forever.

I live for Cubs baseball.  I may not be the biggest fan, but I am in the top ten.  Rip me all you want about losing, curses, going to Wrigley Field to be seen instead of watching a game, blah, blah, blah.  It doesn't apply to me.  I am above all that.  I know the game, and I want to see it played well.

Which is pretty much what has been going on all year on the south side of Chicago.  And I can't get into it.  I just can't.  For so many reasons.  I can't watch the Sox on TV because they have the worst announcer in the history of media.  I could stand listening to a screeching donkey do play by play over this guy.  I prefer National League baseball.  I can't stand the man who owns the White Sox, the man who conspired to shut the game down in 1994, when his team had its greatest chance of ending the season as World Series champions.  Think about that: the team you live and die for gets robbed of the one time you can see it win it all, because the owner is part of a group of obscenely rich old man who don't like the economics of the game.  The canceled the World Series that year.  If I were a Sox fan, I would not have been after 1994.

I want what every passionate, knowledgeable White Sox fan has tonight, the feeling of putting their head on their pillow knowing that their team is finally going to the World Series. I want it so bad that my head hurts.  The worst thing about being a Cubs fan is that point in the season where you realize that this will not be the year, that the wait for a World Series will continue.  More times than often in my life, the moment comes rather early in the season.  This year, it came around the end of July.  When it comes late, or very late, as it did in 2003, well, nothing is more cruel.

It sucks, if I may be frank.  It sucked on July 31 of this year to have to say "Man, I have to wait until October 2006 at the earliest to see the Cubs in the World Series."  Do you know how long that is?  There are times that I think that I can't take it anymore.

Do you know anyone who is 97 years old?  Personally, I don't.  I think the oldest people I know are in their mid 80's.  If you know someone who is 97, that person was born in 1908, which just happens to be last year that the Cubs won a World Series.  97 freakin' years. 

The day is approaching where there will not be a single person alive anymore who was the last time the Cubs won it all.

OK, how about 60?  That's 1945.  I know plenty of people who were alive then.  That's actually the last time the Cubs made it as far as the World Series.  I'm 38.  There's 22 years in between.

Back to my envy: when is it going to be my turn, dammit?  Last year Boston (86 years between championships), this year (perhaps) the White Sox (last championship in 1917); when does the largest of them all finally get snapped?

Is it going in reverse?  86 years last year, 88 this year, 98 next?

I'm not jealous, because that would imply that I want the Sox to lose.  I couldn't care less.  I should be happy.  There's going to be World Series baseball in Chicago for the first time in my life. 

But they are going to play it on the wrong side of town.

My shortcomings are my own problem.  Let the White Sox win.  I will put my fingers in my ears and ignore the selected followers of that team that are on cloud nine tonight more so because the White Sox made it to a World Series before the Cubs did.  I know that there are a ton of legitimate White Sox fans in the city.  I also know that there are a lot of Sox fans praying that they win the title solely so they can rub it into the faces of people like me.

I know tons of Cubs fans.  I haven't heard from one about how much they want the Sox to lose.  Most of them don't really care.  Once the Cubs are done, there isn't much reason to be concerned.

And let's not even talk about the possibility that the Sox opponent in the World Series will be St. Louis.

OK, I'm done.  It is so.  The White Sox are in theWorld Series, they have an excellent shot at winning it, and there is nothing to do except accept it.  I wish I could put my allegiances aside and head out to a bar somewhere and woop it up once the World Series begins.  But I can't.  I have my loyalties.  I will eat my heart out this week and next.  And I can't wait until it is over.

The worst part of all this?  Easy, thinking about how close the Cubs came two years ago.  How messed up it was that they were that close, and how quickly it all went away.  There's been far too much blame placed upon someone who was not even wearing a uniform for their demise, which has always been ridiculous.  The team blew it.  That was the hardest acceptance of the "Oh God, I have to wait until at least next October?" ever.  I'm getting physically ill just thinking about it.  And I will again in the future, until it finally happens, until I see the Cubs in the World Series.

Or until I die.