Just hanging out along the wall

Let's say that I have been invited to a party.  It really doesn't matter how many people are going to be there, odds are I'm going to end up in the same place: hanging out along a wall or something, observing, talking to a few people I know, and just watching what's going on around me.

In the past, I would have said that it was solely due to shyness, but that isn't true anymore.  I reached a point in my life somewhere in the last decade where I don't really care what anyone thinks about me anymore.  Now, I just feel more comfortable being low key, letting other people control the flow.

That's kind of how I am around here, I think.  There is this community that has been created on AOL since they started the journals in the summer of 2003.  Some of them are the life of the party.  Others are invited, but never show up.  Some came and left early.  And some of us just sort of hang out in the background.

No complaints about any of that.  When I first started listing other journals on the front page of mine, my only rule was that it had to be interesting.  But I realize that it's an expression of my opinion as well.  Everyone's other journals list is; I am fully aware of who has my journal listed on theirs.

Last year, when my journal was barely crawling, they had a round of awards, voted on by people in the AOL community.  I didn't vote.  I didn't feel like I had been around enough to honestly interpret and grade the journals nominated.  But I thought it was an excellent idea.  The most important thing about these journals is the writing, and paying tribute to some of the exceptional writing that went on around here seemed like a good thing to do.

Well, I was wrong.  Turns out it was a great thing to do.  And it's happening again soon.

I admit sometimes that I feel frustration when I write something that I think is pretty good, yet I don't get any comments about it.  I realize that non-AOL readers cannot leave comments, and most of the people I know who read this are not AOL members.

It's about the writing anyway.  This journal, started in January 2004, was the thing that got me into the habit of finally, finally writing on a regular basis.  I tried for so long to find a way to become a dedicated writer, someone who sat down just about everyday and wrote.  It didn't matter about what, just that I was writing.

I know I've wrote plenty of crap on these pages.  But I also know that on occasion I have written stuff that I did not think I was capable of.

So where am I going with this?

Well, a few days ago I was browsing around a journal created for others to stop by and mention some of the journals they read and which category they think they should be nominated for, and I saw that Jennifer had mentioned me for "Best Kept Secret."

Wow.  How nice of her.  I was blown away by that.

I have already noticed a slight increase in the number of daily visitors I have since then.  That is the best thing about all this, the chance to get more people reading the words that I write.  Don't get me wrong, it would be cool to be recognized by the others here as an exceptional writer, but I already feel that I am.

I love doing this.  I love it so much, I've gone back to school to further advance whatever talent I may have and find a way to make a living out of it.

But yeah, I'm feeling a little greedy lately.  I want more readers.

There's room for plenty of more people up against the wall.  And it's close to the keg.