23 November 2007

Enjoy that turkey!

I know I should lay off my poor mother and not re-post this, but it continues to be the best Thanksgiving story I have ever heard.  Mom, you know that I love you and that we are all laughing with you, not at you.  And yes, I laughed again when I saw the turkey for the first time this year.

(This is from November, 2004)

Is that a neck in your turkey, or are you just glad to see me?

I would like to apologize to my mother in advance, for being unable to resist the urge to tell this story.

My fiance and I had Thanksgiving dinner at my mother's home this year, with the rest of my family.  My mother is an excellent cook and has prepared many wonderful holiday dinners throughout the years.  This year was no exception.

Wednesday afternoon I was home as Mom placed the frozen turkey in the sink to began preparations to cook it.  At one point as I was walking through the kitchen, I heard her say that something was missing.

I don't know anything about cooking turkeys.

I looked at the turkey in the sink.  Mom had removed two packages from inside, which I assumed to be giblets and something else, a liver maybe, since it was dark.  My mother and I then had the following exchange:

Mom:  Doesn't it look like it is missing something?

Me:  Um, the head?  I hear they usually get rid of it before they sell them.

Mom:  I mean from the inside.  There should be something else.

Me:  I don't know what's normally inside a turkey.

Mom:  It's male parts, it's missing it's male parts.

Me:  WHAT?

Mom:  The male parts of the turkey aren't inside like they usually are.

Me:  (Just now understanding what she is talking about)  I'm never eating turkey again...

As I said before, I know nothing about cooking turkeys.  I can identify the parts of the turkey after it is cooked, but I have no idea how it is packaged.  So I did a little research and found that when you buy a turkey, there is supposed to be a package inside it that contains the giblets and the liver, and also the turkey neck.  For all I knew before, I thought the neck was still attached and you just cut it off when you prepared the bird.  I don't even know what the point of including the neck is.

Then it hit me.

My mother, who later told me that she has been cooking turkeys for over 40 years, thought that the neck that is normally included inside the turkey was instead, um, "something else."

That something else being what puts the "Tom" in turkey. 

Upon further questioning, my mother, being the sport that she is, freely admitted that she has always thought that the turkey neck was not a neck.

This explains why the neck has never been part of a holiday meal in her house.

And why I will never not laugh at the sight of a turkey, live or dead, cooked or uncooked, again.



08 November 2007

Relax, this will solve everything

So how about that World Series prediction?  I guess the Rockies swept the Red Sox in the bizarro World Series.  Moving on...

Apparently, there is a huge water shortage in the Deep South.  If it doesn't start raining soon, Atlanta is going to run out of water.  The idea of a major metropolitan American city not having any water strikes me as a failure of planning.  Surely someone saw this coming, right?  Anyone?  Hello?

Here he comes to save the day!  Georgia Governor Sonny "Mighty Mouse" Perdue has an idea: invite a whole bunch of folks to gather next week outside the state capital and pray for rain.

Bat. Shit. Crazy.

Well, I guess it can't hurt.  It's not like praying for rain will take the remaining supply away, but even for the Deep South, this seems a little nutty.  What if it doesn't work?  Does everyone come back the following week for a mass two-steppin'?

Ted Turner lives in Atlanta and has a bajillion dollars.  Can't he just buy a lake or two from Minnesota (which can certainly spare it) and move it down there?

I forget the name, but there is apparently a rural town in Georgia that has water restrictions for all but three hours of the day.  Try doing everything you need water for in three hours-shower, wash clothes, dishes, flushing toilets.  I bet folks fill up whatever containers they can find for three hours.

I have heard it said more than once that the net big conflict in the Middle East isn't going to be about land.  Instead, it'll be about water.  There's not nearly enough for everyone over there.  Here, Florida and Alabama are starting to battle with Georgia over who is entitled to what water remains in the area.  Maybe this is the beginning of the next Civil War.  We'll have dry states vs. wet states.

It doesn't matter.  It's all going to end next week.  I'm sure that a torrent of rain is being conjured up as I write this somewhere off the coast of Africa, ready to arrive and soak the great evangelical state of Georgia.  All they had to do was ask for it.

I can't help but imagine the outrage we'd be hearing from conservatives about this water shortage if a Democrat held the Governor's Mansion in Atlanta (what, you didn't know Perdue was a Republican?).  They be getting all frothy about mismanagement, how the governor dropped the ball.  They'd be clamoring for Jeb Bush to come in and solve everything, just as soon as he brings Terry Schiavo back to life.

There's a Republican governor in Georgia, so it's no one's fault that there's soon to be no water, because things like this happen so damn quick. 

Time's not for wasting.  Y'all got some praying to do.