Yes, I swear I floss

Disclaimer: I have a dentist appointment in about ten hours.  I hate going to the dentist.  I'd rather be forced to sit through the Republican National Convention gavel-to-gavel.  Yes, my fear of modern dentistry is that extreme.  Apologies in advance if I seem a bit all over the place...

1. The nominations are out...and this journal got one, for "best kept secret."  I've been doing this since January 2004, and I am happy to remove the stealth from it.  And a big thanks to Jennifer (she of multiple deserved nominations, by the way), who threw my name out there first.  I appreciate it!

2. An open letter to my nephew: OK, so the Cardinals didn't make the World Series.  I think the sun still came up today.  You're 19, and I love you as much as I will love my own children, but you have no idea what true baseball suffering is.  I've got twice the baggage you have, pal, and until you've lived at least half of your life in desperation thinking that there is NO WAY that your team is going to go a FULL CENTURY without winning the World Series, I ain't got much sympathy.  Ironic, isn't it, that if you hadn't switched allegiances seven years ago you'd be basking in the glow of the White Sox, and driving me even more insane in the process.  The Cardinals haven't won the World Series since 1982?  In the words of the immortal Sam Kinnison, "You've got off light!!!"

3. I've been having a discussion with a few fellow grad students about the misinterpretation of the lyrics to an old song that make it seem like someone is taking indecent liberties with a farm animal.  It's gone on way too long, but one thing I have discovered is that if a state doesn't have a law on its books outlawing this type of thing (and I guess only 30 or so do), it's all the Democrats fault.  I wish this was part of the gag, but sadly, it's a serious "opinion".  Liberals-we stand for inconceivably high taxes, therapy for terrorists, and the right to get it on with Mr. Ed.

4. I was eating lunch at a restaurant yesterday when I had to use the men's room, and well, who was it and how did he/she decided that urinals should be filled with ice?  I hadn't seen this for a while but I have to say I find it fascinating.  Did I miss a report somewhere about the tendency of porcelain affixed to a wall to spontaneously combust?  How would you like to be one of these ice cubes?  You get poured into a machine, freeze your butt off, but once you realize that you're being made into ice, there has to be a little anticipatory excitement.  Will I be part of a cocktail?  Maybe a superstar athlete will toss me into a Ziploc bag and use me to help them recover from an injury!  So may possibilities...wait!  I think this is it, I'm being scooped out of the machine into a bucket...Yes!  Now we're in some room, and I'm being poured into a container.  What's this pink disc in here with us that smells like detergent?  What's this guy doing moving closer to us, I don't see a glass in his hand.  Hey, he's unzipping...what the?  Oh God!  It's all over me!  I'm melting...

What a way to go.  But at least it had nothing to do with a horse...

This is the way the world ends

It's killing me.  I shouldn't have to see this.  There is only so much that I can take.

(Sigh)  (And that's 2 out of the last 3 entries that I have used the parenthetical sigh-time to shelve it for another year or two)

The White Sox (White Sox!) are in the World Series.

I have to read that line again...

MY EYES!!!  MY EYES!!!

God, this is just not right.

The way I see it, I have two choices here.  I can stab my eyeballs with a fork for the rest of the night, or I can accept it, which is the only way of realistically move on.

Which is worse-envy or jealousy?  Time for a side trip to Dictionary.com

envy:

"1. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
2. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors."

jealous:

1: showing extreme cupidity; painfully desirous of another's advantages; "he was never covetous before he met her"; "jealous of his success and covetous of his possessions"; "envious of their art collection" [syn: covetous, envious] 2: suspicious or unduly suspicious or fearful of being displaced by a rival; "a jealous lover" [syn: green-eyed, overjealous]

I have always thought the difference between the two is substantial.  To envy someone is to want what they have, but to be jealous of someone takes it a step further; not only do you want what they have, but you will go to great lengths to take it from them.

So which am I tonight?

If you are not a devoted fan of a particular sports team, you probably think I am nuts.  But for those of you who do understand what it is like to develop a passion for a certain organization and to have it thrive inside of you even as you age into adulthood, where the cynicism of sports as a business eats away at you, you know how it is.  It becomes a part of you.

I have said it many times in the pages of this journal-the only other constant in my 38 years of life besides my family is the Chicago Cubs.  I have been a baseball fan since I was four.  I can't possibly tell you how much of my life I have devoted to watching, reading and discussing the Cubs.  It's an obscene amount of time. No doubt, there are tons of other things I could have done with that time, which is now gone forever.

I live for Cubs baseball.  I may not be the biggest fan, but I am in the top ten.  Rip me all you want about losing, curses, going to Wrigley Field to be seen instead of watching a game, blah, blah, blah.  It doesn't apply to me.  I am above all that.  I know the game, and I want to see it played well.

Which is pretty much what has been going on all year on the south side of Chicago.  And I can't get into it.  I just can't.  For so many reasons.  I can't watch the Sox on TV because they have the worst announcer in the history of media.  I could stand listening to a screeching donkey do play by play over this guy.  I prefer National League baseball.  I can't stand the man who owns the White Sox, the man who conspired to shut the game down in 1994, when his team had its greatest chance of ending the season as World Series champions.  Think about that: the team you live and die for gets robbed of the one time you can see it win it all, because the owner is part of a group of obscenely rich old man who don't like the economics of the game.  The canceled the World Series that year.  If I were a Sox fan, I would not have been after 1994.

I want what every passionate, knowledgeable White Sox fan has tonight, the feeling of putting their head on their pillow knowing that their team is finally going to the World Series. I want it so bad that my head hurts.  The worst thing about being a Cubs fan is that point in the season where you realize that this will not be the year, that the wait for a World Series will continue.  More times than often in my life, the moment comes rather early in the season.  This year, it came around the end of July.  When it comes late, or very late, as it did in 2003, well, nothing is more cruel.

It sucks, if I may be frank.  It sucked on July 31 of this year to have to say "Man, I have to wait until October 2006 at the earliest to see the Cubs in the World Series."  Do you know how long that is?  There are times that I think that I can't take it anymore.

Do you know anyone who is 97 years old?  Personally, I don't.  I think the oldest people I know are in their mid 80's.  If you know someone who is 97, that person was born in 1908, which just happens to be last year that the Cubs won a World Series.  97 freakin' years. 

The day is approaching where there will not be a single person alive anymore who was the last time the Cubs won it all.

OK, how about 60?  That's 1945.  I know plenty of people who were alive then.  That's actually the last time the Cubs made it as far as the World Series.  I'm 38.  There's 22 years in between.

Back to my envy: when is it going to be my turn, dammit?  Last year Boston (86 years between championships), this year (perhaps) the White Sox (last championship in 1917); when does the largest of them all finally get snapped?

Is it going in reverse?  86 years last year, 88 this year, 98 next?

I'm not jealous, because that would imply that I want the Sox to lose.  I couldn't care less.  I should be happy.  There's going to be World Series baseball in Chicago for the first time in my life. 

But they are going to play it on the wrong side of town.

My shortcomings are my own problem.  Let the White Sox win.  I will put my fingers in my ears and ignore the selected followers of that team that are on cloud nine tonight more so because the White Sox made it to a World Series before the Cubs did.  I know that there are a ton of legitimate White Sox fans in the city.  I also know that there are a lot of Sox fans praying that they win the title solely so they can rub it into the faces of people like me.

I know tons of Cubs fans.  I haven't heard from one about how much they want the Sox to lose.  Most of them don't really care.  Once the Cubs are done, there isn't much reason to be concerned.

And let's not even talk about the possibility that the Sox opponent in the World Series will be St. Louis.

OK, I'm done.  It is so.  The White Sox are in theWorld Series, they have an excellent shot at winning it, and there is nothing to do except accept it.  I wish I could put my allegiances aside and head out to a bar somewhere and woop it up once the World Series begins.  But I can't.  I have my loyalties.  I will eat my heart out this week and next.  And I can't wait until it is over.

The worst part of all this?  Easy, thinking about how close the Cubs came two years ago.  How messed up it was that they were that close, and how quickly it all went away.  There's been far too much blame placed upon someone who was not even wearing a uniform for their demise, which has always been ridiculous.  The team blew it.  That was the hardest acceptance of the "Oh God, I have to wait until at least next October?" ever.  I'm getting physically ill just thinking about it.  And I will again in the future, until it finally happens, until I see the Cubs in the World Series.

Or until I die.

The one where I ask more questions than I answer

1. Who was the last person you sent flowers to?  Who was the last person to send you flowers? I can't remember.  I think I have only sent flowers to someone maybe five times ever.  The last time has got to be at least five years ago.  No one has ever sent me flowers.  I've been sent flour, but that was a disaster that I would rather not discuss.

2. What is your favorite single piece of furniture in your home and why? We have a king size bed.  Might as well be a cloud.  You ever see the cartoon with the dog that floats in the air every time someone gives him a dog biscuit?  That's me when I go to bed.  Every night.

3. You are given the chance to model clothing in a catalog.  What type of clothing would you most want to model and why? I cannot think of any circumstance where I would want to model for a catalog.  I can't even think of a good smart ass response for this.  I am truly stumped.  Wait, of course, what am I thinking?  The answer is so obvious: Victoria's Secret.  Yeah, I've got a secret, and it's name is NOT Victoria!

4. Take this quiz:  What is your "power color?" Lime green.  I think I mistakenly took the "what type of sherbert are you" quiz instead.  How is lime green a "power color"?  Are there other shades of green that are also considered powerful?  Why can't I be hunter green, dark and mysterious?  Or kelly green, drunk and Irish?  Are there 64 types of power colors?  Can I buy them all together in a box that has its own sharpener somewhere? 

5. What product are you mostly likely to buy in bulk?  Have you figured out whether you actually are saving money by doing so? I don't buy things in bulk, but my wife does sometimes.  The last thing she bought in bulk that I use is a bottle of vitamins.  They came in a bottle of 500, and they are the size of walnuts, so it's a large bottle.  But back to the end of my last response: I think the sharpener on the back of the 64 count crayola crayon is the single most UNDER RATED technological advancement in the history of mankind.  Who didn't get a kick out of sharpening crayons?  And what happened to the shavings?  It's like they got sucked into some black hole.  All matter that has formed in the universe since 1970 has been composed entirely of crayon shavings.  Cosmologists across the land, rejoice!  The secret to the universe is...colored wax.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #75 from Mortimer:  Now that winter is approaching, what is your ultimate comfort food? What guilty pleasure do you eat that is sinfully not good for you but, you can't get enough? Geez, after reading this question, I don't think I enjoy food enough.  I get the feeling that I should be filling up a giant vat with some type of food, then leaping in and spending the winter eating my way out of it.  Hmm, winter approaching, and I still haven't filled up any tree stumps with walnuts yet.  I don't think I have any comfort foods, certainly none that I feel guilty about eating, though wouldn't it be amusing if eating too much of a food made you drunk like liquor does?  Can you imagine the hangover you'd get from two pints of Cherry Garcia?  And I feel that before I end this I should explain that I would want to model for a "Victoria's Secret" catalog not because I look good in lingerie, but because we should all simply AIM HIGH.

I've been a bad, bad boy

Yes, my fellow Americans, I have come out of the proverbial opinion closet.  I have linked to one side of the political discourse.

I wasn't always like this.  I used to be respectful, courteous, open-minded.  Now, I have just lost my way.  How?  How did I manage to let myself become like this?

You may have noticed that I recently enabled the "favorite sites" sidebar on this blog, and that it is filled with assorted political web sites.  I did this because, well, I'm sick of the whole thing.

Anyone who has read more than an entry or two here knows which way I lean politically, especially since March 2003.  However, I am not a die-hard Democrat.  There's a lot about the party that I am not happy with, and I don't agree with everything they stand for either.  I like to consider myself a moderate.  Hell, I'd like to consider myself an independent, but I think that might be stretching it a bit.

I do know, however, that there is no way I will ever consider myself a Republican.  Simply writing that word gives me the willies.  Fortunately for myself, the one or two issues that I tend to think conservatively on (mostly fiscal responsibility) are no longer important issues to the GOP.  I have to admit that I did not think I would ever see the day when it was the Republicans who felt the answer to every problem was to toss money at it. 

Deficits?  What deficits?  I don't have to show you any stinkin' deficits!

Now, my biggest fault in any circle (not just political) is that I tend to spend way too much time on keeping informed.  This means that I read a lot of newspapers and magazines, and I watch for too many news programs for my own good.  Recently I have also been visiting too many right-leaning blogs.  In a never-ending search to know just how the other half thinks, I have OD'd on, well, crap.

If I were to sub-title this explanation, it would be:

"I Fought the Armand, and the Armand Won"

Lest I continue to be labeled as a trouble maker, I would like to make it clear that indeed, I like Armand.  Really, I do.  I think he writes well.  He expresses his opinion and he sticks to it.  And the man can argue like there is no tomorrow.  I was not aware of who he was until his unfortunate encounter with the TOS police this past summer, but I caught up with him in a hurry.  I got the impression that he welcomed and encouraged debate in his comments.  And I think I was very, very wrong about that.

I'm not going to turn this into an Armand bash-fest.  Let's just say that he and I do not see eye to eye on much.  Recently, he wrote an entry about the mayor of New Orleans and his idea to build casinos in his Katrina-devastated town.  Armand wasn't in favor of it.  I happened to read the article about Nagin before I read Armand's entry, and I felt that he left out an intricate part of Nagin's words, and probably did so to make his point stronger.  When I left a comment about that, it unleashed a back and forth between us, and that has happened probably ten times or so previously.

I can get a little rough around the edges when trying to make a point.  But then, so can Armand.  So we go 'round.  And around.  And around.  He doesn't bend.  Ever.  The man can argue until your head spins.

But it's his blog, and he is entitled to do that.  However, I am starting to question whether it is my right to persistently "bug" him about his opinions (note that I said "opinion" and not "fact."  That, I feel, is the gist of where any and all problems arise).  It probably isn't.  I don't know how tolerant I would be of someone constantly coming over here and disagreeing with what I have written.

So I think that I am done speaking up over at Armand's.  I will still visit, and visit often, and probably feel my blood pressure spike now and then, but I should leave the dude alone.  His blog is not about me.  He's never said anything to me about that, never commented on anything outside whatever the issue was, and I have no idea if he even cares about it.

I have left a lasting impression over there, though.  During one of our debates, my head exploded.  I had to stop, find the million little pieces, and put them all back together.  Afterwards, my head still hurt.  My next comment to him simply said that I was done talking about the issue, because debating with him was dangerous to my health.  I also said "debating with you is like trying to fend off a rhino with a whiffle bat."

If you go to Armand's blog, you'll see he now refers to himself as "you're friendly seeing-eyed rhino..."; the man evidently has a sense of humor.  I think that is hysterically funny, both in how it sounds and in the realization that I am somewhat responsible for that moniker.

Back to reality...I can't take all the right-wing stuff coming at us from all over the place anymore.  It's ridiculous.  I am particularly tired of being told that I hate George W. Bush.  I don't hate him.  I hate that he is president.  I hate what he has done since he has been in office.  And, most of all, I hate what he has made America into.  He is supremely unqualified.  No amount of jargon from television, print or the blogosphere is going to change my mind on that.  The happiest day of my life will be when he is finally out of office.

But I digress.  I think I am going to lay off the rants on the political side for a bit, and just let those of you who want to experience it seek it out.  That's why I put those web sites in my sidebar.  "Newshounds" dissects just about everything that appears on Fox News, and is quite informative.  "Crooks and Liars" does a good job of analyzing television news shows.  "Media Matters" does that as well as radio.  I'm not a huge fan of "The Huffington Post" so far and as such that may go.  It's a little too left.  Andrew Sullivan is about as liberal as I am conservative, but he has a gift in that he is able to honestly analyze his own party and is not afraid to call it out.  I disagree him sometimes, but he is as good as it gets.  "The Blue Voice" is a group of people who cut their blog teeth on AOL and got together to counter "The Red Voice," and you can imagine what that is.

I think "be very afraid" is a good way of thinking as you venture over to "The Red Voice".  If you so desire, you can find a plethora of other conservative sights there as well.  Don't say I didn't warn you though.

I'm all for debate.  I'd be happy to link to sites that debunked liberal television and radio IF THERE WERE ANY OF THE FREAKIN' THINGS ANYWHERE!!!  Sorry, I got a little intense there.  We are bombarded it seems 24/7 by the Limbaugh-O'Reilly-Hannity brigade, and I'm a little sick of it. 

So, in closing, I guess I have chosen my side of the fence.  And at the very least, I invite you to see what it is like over here. 

Despite what the louder people say, dissent is healthy.  Dissent is normal, and most importantly, dissent is patriotic.

And so it goes...

1. What's your favorite brand and flavor of ice cream when you go grocery shopping?  Is there any of it in your freezer right now? That's tough.  I loves me ice cream.  I'll have to say Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, though I'm just as able to pick up a Hagen Daz Rum Raisin instead.  There is none of either in my freezer now.  In fact, it's been a while since I had any of either.  What the hell is wrong with me?

2. When was the last time you ate a fresh fruit as a snack rather than something not "diet friendly?" Just yesterday when I had some pineapple, though I must admit I am not much for fruit.  I've tried, but it either makes my teeth hurt or tastes so sour that it takes a week for me to get my lips back out of my gums.

3. Take this quiz:  What language should you learn? Swedish.  Ironically, I can speak a little Swedish.  For example: "Lus hjound de klemellen en kjodtosalaft" which means "The dog swims in the potato salad" and "Kjold ug mesot gote zwir bregen sjell" which means "please give me back my lingerie before I alert the authorites"; and finally: "Ahl friest kjolsef megurin o sets tal kjwos neivt?" And that means "Is that a bunch of lingonberries in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

4. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #72 from Cdmmw2:  If you could relive one moment of your life and watch it (like a movie) but not interfere, what would it be? Probably the first time I won a little league baseball game with a walk-off hit.  I was 12, it was against the Dodgers, one out, runner on second.  I swung at the first pitch and missed horribly.  I nailed the second pitch over the left fielders head.  Game over.  Understand, I hit the ball to the outfield about as often as a full solar eclipse.

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #73 from Debbie:  What was something you were afraid of as a child?  Did you overcome the fear? I was terrified of spiders as a kid, and while I am no longer paralyzed by them, if I come upon one when I am not expecting it, my blood pressure will spike.  And if it is bigger than a quarter, I soil myself.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #74 from Anna:   If someone were to open your refrigerator right now, what item would it embarrass you most for them to find? I would be much more embarrassed by the sparse selection than anything you would find in there.

Memo to the South Side

It happened again tonight.  I was watching the news.  Top story: White Sox complete a three game sweep of the Red Sox with a 5-3 win at Fenway earlier today.  So do they show highlights?  No.  Interview any of the players?  No.  The first thing they do is go to a reporter camped out at a sports bar to get "the local fans reaction."

Yeah, because we need to see folks who have been drinking since noon talk about a game they can barely remember, rather than see how the game was won.

Hey, any Chicago baseball triumph is reason enough to celebrate.  I am not begrudging anyone for having a few when your team is winning.

So after the obligatory shots of the crowd jumping, screaming, hooting and hollering after the game, they get around to talking to some of the crowd.

And what's the first thing out of the mouth of the first person?

"Take that, Cubs fans."

(sigh)

Why?  Why can't Sox fans get past their hatred of the Cubs?  Memo to Joe Sox Fan: you just won a playoff series for the FIRST TIME SINCE 1917.  The first thing that comes to your mind is to say something bad about the Cubs?

Two years ago, when the Cubs beat the Braves in the first round, how long do you think it took me to say "take that, Sox fans!"?

(The answer is two years, obviously, and I was only doing it for effect).

Now, I'm sure that there exists a Sox fan or two somewhere in the metropolitan area that isn't thinking about the Cubs tonight.  I don't mean to label all Sox fans, but this is ridiculous.  Every year, I hear the same thing:

(When the Cubs sell out every game, while the Sox struggle to fill half the park): "Nobody goes to Wrigley to watch the game, they go to hook up and be seen."

Or:

"Cub fans like to go and watch them lose, Sox fans only go to the park when the team is winning." (though that would not explain the crappy attendance their this year)

Then there's the media bias, because the Cubs are owned by the Tribune Company, which owns WGN, which has broadcast Cubs games for the past billion years.  Never mind that the Sox are also on WGN as much as the Cubs.  This year, all 162 games for each team were on TV somewhere, except one.  And if you don't think the Sox are getting media attention, you haven't picked up a newspaper here for most of the summer.

I have heard many, many, many times that Cubs fans really don't care about the team winning, so long as they have a good time at the game.  Until he was traded away after last year, the version I heard of this was "You don't care if they won or lose, as long as Sosa hits a home run."

Well, most of the Sox fans I know seem to fall under the same trap: they don't really seem to care if they win or lose, so long as the Cubs lose.

Again, I am sure that I have mislabeled some of the Sox fans in this town.  It just seems like every one of them is an anti-Cubs fan first, and a Sox fan second.

I have stated previously that as a Cubs fan, I couldn't care less what the Sox do, except for the six games they play against the Cubs every season.  As far as I am concerned, the Sox can go 156-6, so long as the six losses are to the Cubs.

I don't hate the White Sox.  I don't really know any Cubs fans that do.  I don't CARE about the Sox.  I think of them as just another team in the league.  Well, with exceptions.  If the World Series comes down to the Sox and St. Louis, who do you think I will want to win?  As a Cubs fan, I cannot possibly root for St. Louis.  How could I live with myself?  It would be like Reagan defecting to the USSR in the mid 1980's.

The Minnesota Twins are the White Sox main rivals.  Ask an average Sox fan who they would root for if the Cubs were playing the Twins in the World Series.  I bet more than 2/3 would say "Go Twinkies!"

Now, should any Sox fan happen to read this and accuse me of sour grapes, I'd say you're wrong.  I am not jealous of you.  To imply jealousy would mean that I would not want them to win it all simply out of spite.

I am, however, completely, insanely and totally envious.  I want what you have, the experience of thinking that this is it, finally, the year that the team is going to do it.  This is the year that a Chicago team wins the World Series.

Of course I am!  My life will not be complete until I see the Cubs and "World Series Champions" on a T-shirt somewhere.  I have lost sleep over the fact that I may die before this happens.

I used to think that the most impossible thing in my life was for me to get married someday.  I was wrong about that.  Now my greatest fear is that I will never get to see the Cubs win it all.  Sox fans have that dream in the palm of their hand right now, and it is getting closer to the point where they can actually smell it, and they can envision tasting it.

Whether they will get to taste it or not remains to be seen, but for the love of God, can you just enjoy this while it lasts?  Take it from me, it can go away as fast as it arrives.  Ask me how confident I was in 2003 when the Cubs needed to win only one of three possible games left against the Marlins to make the World Series.  I was one confident puppy.  Four days later, I was one shattered puppy; a million little pieces.  I am still finding them in the oddest places.

Should the White Sox lose either in the ALCS or the World Series, I will not climb to the highest point in the area and mock them.  Hell, if they lose to the Yankees or the afore mentioned Cardinals, I will be disappointed.

However, there are other teams out there in the playoffs that I might be compelled to root for should they go up against the Sox.  Atlanta and Houston are teams I wouldn't mind see winning.  That's not a slam against the Sox.  In my mind, the Sox are just another team along with the Braves and the Astros.  Both Atlanta and Houston have more players on their teams that I respect and admire more than I do the White Sox.

It's not about rooting against.  It's about rooting for.

Here's what I don't understand about all this: if you took two guys into a room, locked them in it and then informed them that one was a die hard Sox fan, and another a die hard Cubs fan, they'd probably argue for a while.  But if you took both of those guys and sat them together at Soldier Field to watch the Bears against anybody, they's high five each other whenever the Bears did something good, or their opponent screwed up.

It's about Chicago.

So if at the end of the month the White Sox are popping champagne, I will at least be resigned to the fact that for once in my time on the Earth, I saw a team from Chicago win a baseball title.  Think about this: how many people do you know who were born in 1917 and are still alive?  How about 1908?

The Sox haven't won a WS since '17.  The Cubs since '08.  Personally, I don't know anyone who was alive then.  That's a COMBINED 183 YEARS of BASEBALL INEPTITUDE.  It's a miracle that any of us even leave our houses.

If the Sox win, I don't begrudge their fans anything.  I will be envious as all hell, but that does not mean I wish they didn't win.  So please,enough about the Cubs.  They are not relevant to the success or demise of this team anymore.  You had your shot at them.  You beat them three times, and they beat you three times.  If the Sox win, I may be the first to congratulate them.

Unless I see or hear someone make a reference to the Cubs within 48 hours of winning.  Then all bets are off.

Please, don't make me look more of a fool than I already am.

Just hanging out along the wall

Let's say that I have been invited to a party.  It really doesn't matter how many people are going to be there, odds are I'm going to end up in the same place: hanging out along a wall or something, observing, talking to a few people I know, and just watching what's going on around me.

In the past, I would have said that it was solely due to shyness, but that isn't true anymore.  I reached a point in my life somewhere in the last decade where I don't really care what anyone thinks about me anymore.  Now, I just feel more comfortable being low key, letting other people control the flow.

That's kind of how I am around here, I think.  There is this community that has been created on AOL since they started the journals in the summer of 2003.  Some of them are the life of the party.  Others are invited, but never show up.  Some came and left early.  And some of us just sort of hang out in the background.

No complaints about any of that.  When I first started listing other journals on the front page of mine, my only rule was that it had to be interesting.  But I realize that it's an expression of my opinion as well.  Everyone's other journals list is; I am fully aware of who has my journal listed on theirs.

Last year, when my journal was barely crawling, they had a round of awards, voted on by people in the AOL community.  I didn't vote.  I didn't feel like I had been around enough to honestly interpret and grade the journals nominated.  But I thought it was an excellent idea.  The most important thing about these journals is the writing, and paying tribute to some of the exceptional writing that went on around here seemed like a good thing to do.

Well, I was wrong.  Turns out it was a great thing to do.  And it's happening again soon.

I admit sometimes that I feel frustration when I write something that I think is pretty good, yet I don't get any comments about it.  I realize that non-AOL readers cannot leave comments, and most of the people I know who read this are not AOL members.

It's about the writing anyway.  This journal, started in January 2004, was the thing that got me into the habit of finally, finally writing on a regular basis.  I tried for so long to find a way to become a dedicated writer, someone who sat down just about everyday and wrote.  It didn't matter about what, just that I was writing.

I know I've wrote plenty of crap on these pages.  But I also know that on occasion I have written stuff that I did not think I was capable of.

So where am I going with this?

Well, a few days ago I was browsing around a journal created for others to stop by and mention some of the journals they read and which category they think they should be nominated for, and I saw that Jennifer had mentioned me for "Best Kept Secret."

Wow.  How nice of her.  I was blown away by that.

I have already noticed a slight increase in the number of daily visitors I have since then.  That is the best thing about all this, the chance to get more people reading the words that I write.  Don't get me wrong, it would be cool to be recognized by the others here as an exceptional writer, but I already feel that I am.

I love doing this.  I love it so much, I've gone back to school to further advance whatever talent I may have and find a way to make a living out of it.

But yeah, I'm feeling a little greedy lately.  I want more readers.

There's room for plenty of more people up against the wall.  And it's close to the keg.