11 December 2004

Introducing Dr. Biff McSparkland

I've been terrible at doing weekend assignments for the last month or so.  This week, the task at hand is to create a memorable Christmas character and explain how he/she/it saves the Holiday.  I've always gotten a kick out of the many ways bad television has explored the grumpy, mad-at-the-world guy who hates Christmas yet is somehow thrown into the mix one December and emerges not only unscathed, but full of enough Christmas spirit to last until all the pine needles fall off the real tree.  So in this spirit, I give you the Ballad of Doctor Biff McSparkland, just your typical ER doctor, burned out, alone and not interested in Christmas.  Hopefully you'll see this on Lifetime next year.




‘Twas the night before Christmas and on Santa’s sleigh

Was a jolly old man who had lost his way

In the skies over New York there’d been a great flash

Then into Rudolph’s side, a meteor did crash

The collision knocked out his nose of red light

Leaving him helpless to navigate this flight

The sleigh then began to tumble and pitch

Leaving Santa tomumble “Son of a …Kringle!”

“Rudolph is hurt, he’s ruptured his spleen

Gotta find a place to land this thing!”


Far below Santa, a man drove alone

Dr. Biff McSparkland, on his way home

With no family or friends, he’d no plans the next day

So after a night of sleep, he’d work Christmas away

At the hospital ER, tending to sickness and wounds,

And griping endlessly about cheesy Christmas tunes

(Biff was unhappy and needed a change

But that’s a story for a time less strange)

So on the road he drove, when he heard a great roar

Great, he thought, another accident, no more!


Santa had landed his sleigh in a field

(Remarkably without losing any of his toy yield)

Poor Rudolph lay on his side in great pain

For the space rock had caused much more than a sprain

Santa, grief stricken, yelled “Now what do I do?

I can’t possibly treat such a large boo-boo!

Christmas is ruined!  Oh those poor girls and boys!

And what am I going to do with all these toys?”


It was at this time that Dr. McSparkland arrived

And looking at Santa, said “what’s all this jive?

I heard your crash, is everyone all right?

And why are you wearing that?  Your coat is too tight!”

Santa replied “We hit trouble over Schenectady!

And I fear poor Rudolph needs a spleenectomy!”

It hit Biff then, just how much he was needed

“I’m a doctor,” he said.  “Then help him!” Santa pleaded.


Biff did his thing, and Rudolph recovered

(Minus one organ, but no less discovered)

Next morning, the toys were under the tree

While Santa, back home, remembered with glee

His pal, Dr. Biff, who had saved the day

Next year he’d reward him in some special way


Meanwhile Biff had gone home and rested

Rose a little early, gone to the kitchen and tested

A new recipe that he had thought of last night

When he placed a small package in the fridge by the light

So at work Christmas Day, Biff shared with his team

A new meal tradition, the Roast Christmas Deer Spleen!


mokubasetokaiba said...

I liked your story!

mygr8creatures said...

Your story was awesome.  You're good at this!  But now I'll be leary of what is being served at Christmas suppers!  LOL

pixiedustnme said...

So, Dr Biff is also a gourmet chef.  Not bad, is he single?  -Kelly http://journals.aol.com/pixiedustnme/Inmyopinion/entries/450

plittle said...

Mmmmm, deer spleen!

jevanslink said...

Ya got me on this one.  I didn't see it coming.  Mrs. L

bettefan05 said...

I think Dr. Biff is a relation of Dr. Hannibal Lecter. The Spleen thing, ya know.... lol but that was FUNNY!!!

~Miss Anna

lamove04 said...

The most obvious comment would be: Wow, you found a word that rhymed with Schenectady!   Good Job!  --Albert