I've been terrible at doing weekend assignments for the last month or so. This week, the task at hand is to create a memorable Christmas character and explain how he/she/it saves the Holiday. I've always gotten a kick out of the many ways bad television has explored the grumpy, mad-at-the-world guy who hates Christmas yet is somehow thrown into the mix one December and emerges not only unscathed, but full of enough Christmas spirit to last until all the pine needles fall off the real tree. So in this spirit, I give you the Ballad of Doctor Biff McSparkland, just your typical ER doctor, burned out, alone and not interested in Christmas. Hopefully you'll see this on Lifetime next year.
‘Twas the night before Christmas and on Santa’s sleigh
Was a jolly old man who had lost his way
In the skies over New York there’d been a great flash
Then into Rudolph’s side, a meteor did crash
The collision knocked out his nose of red light
Leaving him helpless to navigate this flight
The sleigh then began to tumble and pitch
Leaving Santa tomumble “Son of a …Kringle!”
“Rudolph is hurt, he’s ruptured his spleen
Gotta find a place to land this thing!”
Far below Santa, a man drove alone
Dr. Biff McSparkland, on his way home
With no family or friends, he’d no plans the next day
So after a night of sleep, he’d work Christmas away
At the hospital ER, tending to sickness and wounds,
And griping endlessly about cheesy Christmas tunes
(Biff was unhappy and needed a change
But that’s a story for a time less strange)
So on the road he drove, when he heard a great roar
Great, he thought, another accident, no more!
Santa had landed his sleigh in a field
(Remarkably without losing any of his toy yield)
Poor Rudolph lay on his side in great pain
For the space rock had caused much more than a sprain
Santa, grief stricken, yelled “Now what do I do?
I can’t possibly treat such a large boo-boo!
Christmas is ruined! Oh those poor girls and boys!
And what am I going to do with all these toys?”
It was at this time that Dr. McSparkland arrived
And looking at Santa, said “what’s all this jive?
I heard your crash, is everyone all right?
And why are you wearing that? Your coat is too tight!”
Santa replied “We hit trouble over Schenectady!
And I fear poor Rudolph needs a spleenectomy!”
It hit Biff then, just how much he was needed
“I’m a doctor,” he said. “Then help him!” Santa pleaded.
Biff did his thing, and Rudolph recovered
(Minus one organ, but no less discovered)
Next morning, the toys were under the tree
While Santa, back home, remembered with glee
His pal, Dr. Biff, who had saved the day
Next year he’d reward him in some special way
Meanwhile Biff had gone home and rested
Rose a little early, gone to the kitchen and tested
A new recipe that he had thought of last night
When he placed a small package in the fridge by the light
So at work Christmas Day, Biff shared with his team
A new meal tradition, the Roast Christmas Deer Spleen!