20 January 2005

Another heathen exposed!

I swear, I can't make up stuff this good.

Today's New York Times (I'll link it, but the elites at the NYT make you register to read it.  Trust me, I can explain it well enough without reading it.) gives an account on the new target of the homophobic right:

SpongeBob SquarePants!

Dr. James Dobson, the president of "Focus on the Family" actually devoted time during an address at a black-tie event in Washington last night to attack SpongeBob as a weapon of the pro-gay groups.

Well, it's about time someone realized this.

The citizens of this fine, morally upstanding country are being bombarded constantly by this, this absorbent creature of the homosexual agenda.

Don't think so?  Why just look at the lyrics to his theme song!

Captain:  Are you ready kids?

Kids:       Aye, aye Captain!

Captain:  I can’t hear you!

Kids:      Aye, aye, Captain!!!

Captain:  Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Kids:      SpongeBob SquarePants!


(Aha!  Here’s the first clue-anybody knows that “a pineapple under the sea” is code for “embraces and promotes the gay lifestyle!”)


Captain:  Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!

Kids:      SpongeBob SquarePants!


(There’s that word again, “absorbent”; filth!  And yellow!  What more gay color can you get for a sponge?  And Porous?  Doesn’t that mean one that easily dispenses fluid, hmm?  Absorbent AND porous?  Easily retaining and dispensing fluid?  Don't think I don't see where this is heading!  Those poor children!)


Captain:  If nautical nonsense be something you wish…

Kids:     SpongeBob SquarePants!

Captain:  Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!


Now, you may read that as "nautical nonsense," but I see it for what it obviously is: jumping into the water unclothed with members of your sex playing such games as "is that really an oyster?" and "let's see what Malcolm caught in his big net."


And it has also come to my attention that "flop like a fish" is code for "Hey kids, tonight around the campfire, burn your Bibles and embrace Satan!"


I do feel safer knowing that SpongeBob has been rightfully exposed as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, who as we all know will show up and lead us into the pit fires of hell once the gay agenda has been embraced by all.  Tinky-Winky of Teletubbies was the first, you recall, thanks to the glorious Rev. Falwell a few years ago.


Two down, two to go.


Anyone seen Popeye lately?





donah42 said...

I'm pretty sure CatDog might be one of the Four Horsemen as well...or does CatDog count as two...? They are joined at the ass, so that is pretty blatant.
Dang, couldn't they go after South Park's Big Gay Al, or is that too obvious?
Don't get me started---I watch a lot of cartoons.

thecrazyhays said...

After reading about the "outing" of SpongeBob, I just had to do a journal search to see if anyone had written about it. I loved this entry! I laughed all the way to the end!

lilis8604 said...

You must be kidding! Don't these people have anything better to do?

xzasporated1 said...

I am much too emotional over these baseless and sleazy allegations.  And how dare they insinuate that Sponge and Patrick are more than just friends.  HOW DARE THEY???  

Okay, so Sponge lives in a pineapple.  It's a nice pineapple and is does NOT have track lighting.  So there.  And at least he does not subscribe to that felon Martha Stewart's magazine, like the Squid does.

Okay, so he's absorbent and yellow and porous.  I have pores, and I'm not gay.  I was yellow once, that one time before I threw up.  And I'm not gay.  I'll get to the absorbent thing later, when I'm not so emotional.

And I like naughty, uhhh I mean nautical nonsense.  

You are wrong. Wrong, I say!!!  But I am glad that someone is hunting down and exposing this disgusting gay conspiracy to take over the earth.  Maybe finally someone will expose the TRUTH about that filthy movie Bedtime for Bonzo.

Onward Hetero Soldiers!

~~ jennifer

lamove04 said...

Actually, a bunch of gay guys work on ALL those kids shows, so nothing would surprise me... if it weren't for The Gays there would be no blockbuster animated films, but of course these right-wing homophobes would never get that.  I'd hate to imagine what the world of entertainment would be like if there were only straight people, all our female celebrities wouldn't have a thing to wear!  ;-) Albert