17 April 2005
Getting married in five days
So begins this particular week of my life.
Here is where I say things like "I can't believe it's only X days away, it seems like we just got engaged 14 months ago" and "I'm so nervous" and anything else a soon-to-be groom is supposed to say, but the truth is, I feel none of that.
I'm going to be 38 a month after the wedding, and at this point of my life I only get nervous when I know I am doing something that isn't good for me. I'm not nervous at all about getting married. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
When Kristen and I started talking about getting married, she only asked me for one thing; she wanted at least a year to plan the wedding. Having no idea what preparations where needed for a wedding, I took her word for it. Kristen amazes me in hundreds of ways, but I think the thing that I admire most about her is the ability that she has to do things exactly how she wants to in the perfect amount of time. We've spent the last year and two months planning what we think will be a proper celebration, and except for a few minor obstacles, everything has turned out perfectly. It's no accident. While I feel like I have been fully involved in everything, the fact is that Kristen is the reason why we are going to have a wonderful wedding. She has kept the entire event in perspective and not let anything bother her. As a result, she is going to have a wedding that is a true reflection of who she is and what we expect our life to be together.
I don't know if I am conveying my feelings about this clearly. I never thought about my wedding much when I was younger. Up until I met Kristen and even well into our relationship, I was fairly certain that I was not ever going to marry. It did not seem like something I wanted to do. Looking back, I now know that I was mistaken; marriage was not something that appealed to me with anyone I had ever met before Kristen. There is a world of difference between thinking that you don't want to ever marry and not knowing someone that you'd like to marry.
I could not sleep Saturday morning. I was up by 5 AM and at 7 I decided to go for a walk. It was a beautiful morning, clear skies, a slight breeze, and warm sunshine; a textbook perfect spring day. Ordinarily I do not have trouble sleeping so early in the morning, and as I walked I wondered if perhaps my mind was starting to realize that our wedding was in less than a week and if my subconscious was getting nervous. So I did what I do sometimes when I am looking for answers to things in the deepest reaches of my mind, I took an inventory of my mental state.
I found that I am far, far happier now than I have ever been in my life. I have never felt as blessed as I do right now. I feel like everything I have been through in this life has been worth it just to make sure that I am at this moment. My mind has never been clearer, my course never straighter, and my faith never stronger.
That doesn't seem like the behavior of a nervous person to me.
I had no trouble sleeping Sunday morning.