I'm still a little woozy from the contact high I got from my brand new, shiny AK-47. Too bad the ban against them didn't expire last month when those huge rabbits were devouring the plants in the backyard. Nothing shows a varmint who's boss more than blowing them into a million little pieces, not to mention that we'd still be eating stew...
Sure, I bought an AK-47. I am also wearing St. Louis Cardinals boxer shorts, have Michael Bolton playing on the stereo and have the VCR all set up to tape the big Siegfried and Roy special on NBC tonight.
The inability of the Congress of the United States to renew the ban on assault weapons finally gives me the chance to address both major political parties in this country as morons:
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your total lack of cajones. You already represent a land that slaughters more of its own people with guns than any other that doesn't manufacture cocaine, so why not really make it interesting? I applaud you for shriveling like a thirteen day old avocado on this issue. No doubt that you all know that this is an election year, and I'm sure it is a coincidence that practically no one said stood up for keeping this ban. It's not like the big bad wolf that is the NRA would have gone after any of you in November. Do drop in for tea the next time you are in the neighborhood.
I was never very good at writing letters.
Nothing bothers me more than elected officials refusing to stand up for what is right because they know that if they do, they'll be targeted by some group the next time their seat is up for reelection. Spare me your woe, please. The "leadership" qualities from both sides on this has been priceless. Bush has said that he was in favor of extending the ban, but that he couldn't force the legislation through to his desk. I'm sure he never lobbies any Republican in Congress to introduce a bill that he wants passed. Kerry says he wanted the ban extended as well; gee it's a shame that he has no pull in the Senate or in the Democratic party to get this brought up as well. Both sides equally repulse me for the way they have shrugged, held up their arms and given us a collective "what can you do?"
Nobody wants the NRA's target on them in an election year. What were they thinking in 1994 when the set this ban to expire in an even numbered year? And what am I thinking, that a politician might actually stand up to the NRA someday, look them in the eye and say "Look, you're all a bunch of serious nutjobs. No one is ever going to be able to pull off taking all your guns away. It's not going to happen, so relax. You might want to actually look at other issues before you decide who to vote for this year. But I can't let this assault ban thing expire, because it's not a good idea to have these types of weapons out there. Variety is nice when shopping for food, clothing, shoes and strippers, but work with me on this. Enjoy the gun show this weekend, and tell Chuck Heston I said hello."
I begrudgingly accept the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. It was a necessary addition back in the time when the weapon of choice was the musket, and it was created to keep the country together as one. That there never was an attempted coup d'etat in this country back in it's first century of existence can be credited to that amendment as much as anything else. I myself will never be a gun owner, and I live terrified of the day when concealed carry becomes the law of the land, because, dear reader, most people I know should not be allowed to carry a gun, not because they're nuts, but because they lack a certain coolness under pressure. I think most people do, which is why most people do not become police officers, soldiers or criminals.
I don't hunt, but I see it for it is, sport. I have nothing against people who want to dress up in orange, stand in a tree and shoot Bambi to kingdom come, so long as they ingest their kill. If it's for food, it is about as offensive to me as fishing.
What is it going to take for this country to seriously look at its gun problem? Another James Brady-like incident? Another Columbine? I don't get it.
I love Remo, I read him all the time, and he has an interesting point of view on this, as he is a police officer. With all due respect, I don't agree with his thought that citizens should be able to arm themselves because then the criminals would die. I don't think most people who have a gun for "safety" keep it accesible to the point that they could wack someone intent on hurting them when theybreak in during the middle of the night. And I don't recall Darwin writing about guns and natural selection, though I am sure that the tortoises on the Galapagos were armed to the teeth. I think having every citizen armed would be great for population control, and wonderful for the funeral home business.
But back to my target of disgust, the 535 delicate flowers that make up the Congress of this country:
Wake up and represent the will of the people who elected you. Take care of the weapons of mass destruction that you allow to terrorize a number of people who live here, for God's sake. I am all for pre-emptive strikes there.