07 November 2004

Weekend assignment

I have a dilemma.  I want to participate in this weekend's assignment, yet I have vowed a political respite until November is over.

So I choose to participate, in a completely bi-partisan way.

If I'm President for a day, I'm making executive orders from sun up until sun down, or at least until they burst in and overthrow me:

1. Shut down all non-essential government agencies for one month, during which a comprehensive examination of every aspect of the government is performed, so that once and for all taxpayers will know where their money is going.

2. Establish a cap on the amount of money that can be spent on any campaign.

3. Ban political ads from any outside group or committee.  Only candidates will be allowed to advertise, and they must talk about why they deserve to be elected, not why their opponents do not.

4. Establish flat rates for products that are essential to the health and welfare of the people of this nation, like prescription drugs, medical insurance and gasoline.

5. Limit United States Senators to two full terms (12 years), and House Representatives to three terms (6 years).  If you want to be a lifetime politician, diversify.  Yes, I am speaking to you, Ted Kennedy and Henry Hyde.

And a few more if there is time:

-Ban the designated hitter from major league baseball

-Anyone drafted into the NBA that does not go to or does not finish college can only play for minimum wage until they get a degree

-People who do not use their turn signals lose their driving privileges after the first violation

-Think the FCC is bad now?  Wait until I sic them on "reality TV"

-Deport anyone who has a theater named after them in Branson, Missouri

OK, I will wake up now.

As far as awarding the Medal of Freedom, I'd award it to my father posthumously, because I can, and then I 'd give one to Bill Maher, because he makes me laugh more than anyone out there. 

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