#3 We love you. Really, we do
Well, I'm down to the last three reasons why the nation has to deny the re-election of George W. Bush. I'm actually pretty beat. It takes a lot to come up with reasons to be so adamant about why a change is needed. I have to write two more of these before Tuesday. And it's Halloween, the doorbell keeps ringing...
I tell you what, I am going to let someone else write this entry. It seems that I've caused a stir in the local Republican circle here, and they have been urging equal time. I actually have a few friends who are Republicans, and I am going to let one of them take care of the rest of this entry.
Ladies and gentleman, please welcome my very dear friend, Gabriel Oscar Phelps. I know you will listen to what he has to say.
Thanks. I am here tonight to tell you that while I like Jim as a friend, he doesn't know squat when it comes to politics. He's spent the last week or so detailing all the reasons why he feels our glorious President doesn't deserve re-election, and I'm worried that you have all been misinformed. It's a shame, really, but after spending the day in a bunker sitting in on several high level meetings my republican cronies and I believe we can refute all Jim has had to say on issues such as the economy, the war in Iraq, and (say it with me) values. Instead of addressing each issue separately, we feel it is better to lump it all together. So without further ado, let me tell you why we, the Republicans, are better for you and why you should re-elect the President:
We are on your side. Really. I know that sometimes it doesn't seem like it, especially when we concentrate our tax breaks on the wealthiest people in the nation, but everyone forgets that we have to keep the people who sell yachts, sports cars and country club memberships happy too. Remember that we practice "trickle down economics." That means when we make sure rich people have more money, it will trickle down eventually to the middle and lower classes.
Mind you, we never said "it" was money. Surely something will trickle down on you. Just make sure you clean it up before we step in it.
Anyway, as I was saying, we Republicans know that under George W. Bush the nation has enjoyed a wonderful last four years. So many wonderful things have happened. For example, do you know that if I worked for the Homeland Security department I could have a record of every book you've checked out of the library this year? That I could have access to every financial transaction you've made? The list of things that I could find out that are really none of my business is contained in a great piece of paper called The Patriot Act. Actually, it's more like 600 pieces of paper, but all the same, it does a great job at protecting our country from the likes of, well...you! It's important that we know when you checked out "Sally Has Two Mommies" from the library because that's the kind of thing that terrorists do right before they attack our country, those evildoers!
Yep, the Patriot Act (don't you just love the name? We can label anyone who doesn't like it as being "Un-patriotic"-Brilliant!) is just as an important piece of paper (there I go again...) as the Constitution. Hopefully we will get our way sometime in the next decade and get John Ashcroft on the two-dollar bill replacing Thomas Jefferson.
So far I've told you how lucky you all are because we have made sure that the rich get richer and we can knowingly spy on our own people. While I am sure most of you think that's good enough, I have to tell you that I have even more wonderful reasons for you to go to the polls and make sure that President Bush stays in power, um, I mean office, on Tuesday.
Did you know that God is on our side? It's true, because the President told us himself. He talks to him all the time. God put the President in the White House because he knew that if He didn't, our society would descend into moral ambiguity and social disgrace. Thank God (no pun intended) for this. Because of God, the president was able to make sure that abstinence was the only government supported sex education program. We are well on our way to ensuring that only married people ever have sex, because that's the way it should be. Republicans NEVER have sex unless they are married. Even then they only do with the lights off and the door locked. That'sthe right way to treat sexuality, and anyone who doesn't follow that deserves to have a child out of wedlock. Sure, we could improve our social programs and make sure that education and job assistance are available in places where it's needed, but everybody knows that that is just another name for welfare, and we certainly don't want that.
So let me quickly review: we expect that you won't have sex unless you are married. To make it an incentive, we'll fund abstinence-only programs. We'll chastise you to the ends of the Earth if you even think about having an abortion. If you even think the words "partial-birth" we will pass a law and make sure that when the President signs it that the photo op has only men in it. We will not do anything we can to make sure that every US citizen has access to good medical care, because that's another form of welfare. Even writing those words makes my skin crawl.
The "Best of Sean Hannity" is coming on the radio in a few minutes so I have to wrap this up, but before I do, let me tell you about the wonderful things we do for business, and how it all ties in with the other things I have spoken about. Have you had to get a prescription filled lately? I hope you had good insurance, because if you didn't, you probably didn't eat for a day or two. We want to make sure that the companies who manufacture the drugs make as much money as they can, because they need to do "research" into other drugs (and pay for medical conferences in the tropics). It's imperative that the drug companies make as much profit as possible, because a lot of the CEO's have vacation homes in Kennebunkport. I'm just kidding. The homes are really in places like Aspen and Vail. It's actually very difficult to make that type of decision-cheaper drugs or profits for big drug companies? When we have a hard time making a decision, we just favor whoever has more money. We did do something for senior citizens though, by passing a drug benefit to Medicare. It's not easy to understand and there are more than sixty plans to choose from, but you said you wanted action. You didn't say anything about it being simple.
We've had to make tough decisions with other companies as well. We really struggled with the Halliburton issue. HA! I almost said that with a straight face. Vice-President Cheney used to be the CEO of this company, so if there's a company that we can allow to rip off the federal government in the name of rebuilding Iraq, this would be it. We are very proud to be financing Dick's stock options. Can you imagine the language he'd use if we said no? I laugh when people say that it is a conflict of interest to give guaranteed no-bid contracts to this company, like it's as immoral as the stuff Martha Stewart thought she would get away with. Who does she think she is, Enron?
Well, it has been awfully nice of Jim to let me have this time to convince you that the Republicans know what's best for you. I know that many of you will support the President now on Tuesday. To tell you the truth, we're kind of worried about the whole election, but I think we have come up with a good plan to make sure the nation stays in our hands. See, we don't really care if you vote, we care that you don't vote for a Democrat. That's why we spread misinformation in places like the inner city, when we have people sent out flyers saying that to be allowed to vote, you have to clear a police check. That's why we have tried to purge thousands of people from voter registration lists in places like Florida because we can't be sure that they are not convicted felons. And did you see what we did in Michigan and Ohio this week? We got the courts to agree that if for some reason you go to the wrong place to vote that your vote won't be counted. We think it's like being a German citizen and going to vote in Poland. We only want about half the people who are eligible to vote to actually vote, because history tells us that when a lot of people vote, we lose. That's especially true when a lot of people vote who don't happen to be rich and white. We'd rather win elections where only about 20% of the population voted, rather than lose an election where just about everyone who could actually voted.
I'm sure win or lose on Tuesday that we'll be in court for a while. If we win, those whiny Democrats will want recounts and we need to make sure that OUR trial lawyers do the right thing. If we lose, we'll be in courts everywhere, because we don't lose. God told us that.
I'm sure Jim will have another message or two before the election about how bad we are. Go easy on him. He's a nice guy, just misguided. I'm sure that he'll come over to our side soon.
I know what's best for him. I'm a Republican!
Gabriel Oscar Phelps